Originally uploaded by mariecandme
On Monday I went for my free Bobby Brown makeup lesson. I decided that I would take my copy of Marie Claire and show the lady the article on How To Look Expensive. This plan was foiled when I realised I had forgotten the magazine on my way to work that morning, so I needed to be sure that I could articulate exactly what I wanted well enough without having the picture to hand.
I’d had a bit of a hard day at work and was experiencing what I like to call “brain drain”. Where all the thinking and problem solving leaves a big empty space, and stringing a sentence together becomes like dropping a box of scrabble on the floor and them finding the letters to spell out what you want to communicate to the world.
“So, what are we doing today”
The girl behind the counter had nice make up on, it’s always a great sign when they don’t look like a clown or they have been punched in the face.
“Erm – I want to look expensive please”
The girl then laughed at me with a slightly confused look on her face
She sat me down and we worked out together that what I actually meant was, that I wanted to find a really nice red lipstick that suited my colouring. So she set to work, and my brain started to spark and jumpstart a little back to life. After 5 minutes or so we were having a good giggle, then her friend who was walking through the store turned up – and joined in the conversation.
It stopped feeling like I was in the middle of Selfridges and more like I was in a mate’s lounge having a good gossip. I liked this girl, I trusted her, I believed in her. I honestly thought that when I was released into the night, I wouldn’t have a big orange head and resemble Jackie Stallone, which has happened to me in the past. The time came when she applied the lippy, and with pride she stepped back and asked me to look in the big mirror.
I nearly jumped out of my skin! The lipstick was so bright, it made my hooker pink lipstick look like a dull moon to this lipstick’s big bloody bang.
What now? We were getting on famously! What do you do? Do you throw your arms around her in a vain attempt to hide your horror and save any awkwardness? Or do you say “What the F**K have you just done to my head?”.
I settled for…
“ I really don’t think I have the confidence for a colour this bright” to which I saw a micro expression of annoyance, but then she sat me down and we tried on some different shades of red.
We finally found it, together, as the great team that we were. Bobby Brown’s Lip colour rouge a levres in Scarlet. I LOVE it. I’ve worn it nearly every day since. Its a bit more pinky than your normal pillar box red, but still has a 1940’s film start vibe when you wear it with eyeliner flicks.
The next day, I recreated the expensive look as I was going out with Milnoids to meet some new contacts at work. I made a real effort, putting on T dress and heels and felt really good all morning in the office.
The meeting went well, no tumbleweed blew across the boardroom when we were presenting and I felt positive as I stood up to shake the hands of those that attended. But as I put my hand round my back to find the arm of my coat, I noticed that my hand got caught on some unexplained fabric. As it dawned on me, I could feel my face beginning to burn up and a slight burn rise up my throat.
All day, that’s a good 8 hours people, I had been walking around my office, and now in this meeting – with the zip of my dress undone right down to my bum! Now everyone knew that underneath this woman with a lovely dress and “Expensive” looking makeup… Was actually someone who wears her tights up to her nipples for security and can’t get dressed in the morning!
Oh the shame. I am a loser.