Imagine my excitement when on the front cover of July’s Marie Claire Bruno and Alessandra Ambrosio are screaming at me that I can “Lose pounds and banish cellulite” – not only that people.. the promise in this issue is to “Get a Bikini Body”!
2 things to note before I start this
1. What is the definition of a bikini body? They sell bikinis in sizes over and above a 10 – but judging by this statement – there is a specific body for this outfit, or lack of it and Marie Claire is going to help me get it darn it! Flicking though the pages, the images suggest that a bikini body, is as I have been conditioned to think over the years is a skinny wasp like frame, tanned to perfection topped with sun kissed flowing locks that look like they have been nowhere near the wind or sea.
2. Lose pounds and banish cellulite – judging by the creams and lotions that the magazine is advising me to use, the usage of “pounds” in this context is actually the little round gold kind. OH MY GOD, I won’t be spending £90 on a pot of what can only be described as bottled pleasantly scented witch craft.
I think that in order to get this experiment off the ground I need to decide on some rules and boundaries, the rules of engagement so to speak.
I won’t do anything that is of serious detriment to my health. So if in every issue I’m told to lose 7lbs, I won’t lose 7lbs every month over 12 months. This would be stupid.
I won’t allow this to impact financially on my Husband or any other family member, so if I’m told to by a £90 headscarf, I’ll try and source something similar within my budget. The point is to recreate to the best of my abilities resulting in ultimate happiness – not the dregs of dept due to having a pre 30s episode.
I won’t do anything that will get me sacked from my job
I will do absolutely everything else J
The list is a long one for July, getting things organised will be mission – but the prospect of glossy magazine to take me skipping into my 30s will spur me on. Deep breath everyone.. and so the list begins.
Write a letter to the editor sucking up to them about one of their inspirational editorial pieces and win a goody bag.
Log on to marieclaire.co.uk daily
Enter a competition for a TV / DVD player online
Visit Chanel and get a free sample of their mascara
Visit the ejfoundation.org website
Visit the bibico.co.uk website
Enter the Pandora Jewellery competition
Buy the finest knit Jersey T-shirt I can afford in grey. This won’t be the £115 Gucci number they suggest, as the “I can afford” bit will be heavily influencing this point.
Gather together and “Essential” beech kit for my holiday this month – this includes Sandals, Beaded Bangles?! A bold towel, a big bag and straw hat. This is already an epiphany as thus far in my life it’s consisted of a towel, some sun cream and a book.
Swimwear for the curvier lady, luckily – I noticed I was curvy some time ago and so have said swimwear already.
Look into adopting a foreign child. I seriously doubt that I will go ahead and adopt one, but Marie Claire wishes me to explore the realms of starting my own Brad-Jolie tribe – I shall at least log onto the website and look into it. http://www.adoptingoverseas.org/.
Submit a photo to the Rankin Live competition. Apparently someone with a sense of “British eccentricity that defines our time” will stand the best chance. What is “our time”? I’m hoping the judging criterion is as ambiguous as this statement!
Visit the David Lord Charitable trust online dlct.org.uk
Change my search engine to Everyclick.com
Watch The Hangover at the cinema
Sky Plus Desperate Romantics on BBC1 in July
Have a romantic day out on the beech wearing Sandals, a “sharp sexy dress for summer day to night wear” – so getting changed is cheating that day I assume. A slouchy bag, a chunky sparkly bracelet and sunnies. – Oh and drenched in Impulses new fragrance like a teen who is trying to hide that they smoke from their parents.
Listen to the following albums:
La Roux by La Roux
Chairlift – Does You Inspire You
Amazing Baby – Rewild
Little Boots – Hands
Madness – The Liberty of Norton Folgate
Read Cold Comfort Farm
Try and book on to Marie Claire’s “How to Get Published” (Free Canapés and goody bag so worth £20 me thinks!) evening in Bristol
Take a food intolerance test – If I am told I am allergic to chocolate I may not continue this blog due to ceasing to live.
Eat 5 small meals a day, every 3 hours between 7am and 7pm with my largest meal at 1pm. Not regimented at all then?!
Go for a colonic – OH DEAR. I will do this for you dear reader, as I’m not sure how being violated with a hose surrounded by scented candles and whale song could ever improve my wellbeing – but we shall see. This then has to be followed by 3 days of eating only green veg soup and drinking hot water and lemon. This so far seems like the pursuit of misery to me!
Cut out salt and eat more Celery and Parsley. This point also has a fair few obscenely priced options surrounding detoxifying soaks etc to lose excess water. So I have gone for the options that I can afford, not only that I hate celery so I’m hoping that my food intolerance test will show this up as an evil diet devil and I can just stick to chomping on parsley.
Take Spirulina. I don’t know what it is – but I shall eat it and it will maketh me a model.
Drink 2 litres of water a day. I need to google.. err sorry everyclick this and see if water in other drinks is included in this 2 litres. Otherwise I’m afraid I may start to leak. (oh and drink 1 more for every hours exercise I do)
Do interval training and lift weights. Hmm – the weights will be baked bean tins I think – and interval training will be bouncing on my trampette, then running round the block, then riding my I joy board, then a quick bike ride.
Think Positive (I love this one – especially if I have to do it at work) Lie down for 5 minutes every time I think I can’t lose weight and as I breath out “imagine letting go of your self doubt”.
Improve my circulation with Massage or use a cellulite massager. Here is a bit of positive thinking for you all, I don’t think I’ve actually got much cellulite – it’s a family thing, probably the trade off for facial hair and not being able to touch my toes. But none the less, no need to start spanking my bank balance for the brews and potions mentioned on these pages. However I will follow the dry brushing.
Sit on the edge of my seat every day to improve circulation. I’ve just been given a new chair at work that looks like it was ripped out of a Ford Capri. It took me 6 months of whinging about my back to get said chair, however, I shall perch and see if the traces of cellulite I do have get kicked into touch.
Go for Lazer treatment on your lady garden. Bonus, I’m already 2/3rds of the way through a course so this is all good!
Exfoliate like an expert – well apparently you can’t exfoliate like an expert for under £34. But further down the page it says “Zap Zits” using some Garnier body Tonic scrub which I can get with my advantage points so I’ll kill 2 birds with one stone there – unless I can get hold of some of this expensive stuff cheaper on the net.
Moisturise with a heavy moisturise after every shower. That’s EVERY SHOWER people, not just when you remember that you actually have body moisturiser or think you are onto a promise with the hubby.
There are many tips on how to lift the bust in this issue, as I am only an A – I shall be ignoring them completely as my breasts are largely ignored by the general public.
Vary the style of my shoe from day to say – blimey, that will take a bit of forward planning.
Look up fivefingershoes on lovethoseshoes.com
Daily foot stretching at my desk, as per the recommendation of Doreen Baker – chief exec of the Association of reflexology.
Massage each foot for 20 seconds each night to plump them up
Apply rich foot cream and massage feet from the foot to knee. Timing for this wasn’t specified so I’ll do it weekly (Or husband will as I can’t actually get down there myself).
Give my self a pedicure by investing in a good foot file, giving each foot a 5 minute massage and slick of nail paint and dusting of talc. It sounds so easy, but talc and sticky nail varnish? Not sure I can cope with that.
Leave my foundation at home when I am on holiday this month. Only taking eyeliner, blotting paper and bright pink lipstick.
Leave hair to dry naturally when on holiday. Oh god, I have a perm, it was a mistake, now EVERYONE WILL SEE!
For one day on holiday, leave my hair mask on all day. Something tells me this won’t really work under the beating sun of Southwold.. but who knows?
Spray Perfume in my hair and body oil on my body whilst on holiday – not sure what disaster this will really avoid. But if it’s good enough for the sun kissed model in the fashion story – it’s good enough for moi.
Make use of local resources for beauty products. I wonder if exfoliating with sand counts?
Follow all three fashion stories via their tips –of which includes the sentence.. and I quote “Team your boots or shoes with men’s socks to create a modern look”. I would be hard pressed to find a matching pair in my husband’s sock draw, of which 90% of the contents are novelty socks anyway.
101 fashion ideas. Luckily this features a top I already have, apparently if I hang around the house in this, a pair of white kecks and a white trilby, I will be fashion. My lodger may be disturbed though.
Enter the Swiss Spar Break competition
Have a lunch time manicure, but only use coral, fuchsia or electric blue nail varnish. Interesting!
Use a hand cream daily with SPF
Apply daily nail and cuticle cream
Once a week use my face scrub on my hands
Use fairy Liquid this month (I’m sorry Ecover, I promise I will come back to you!)
Take a deep breath after work every day and smile. Even if I don’t want to.
Subscribe to Marie Claire
Follow my stars – apparently I will need to remind my partner that he is worthy of me.. Something tells me I will be doing his head in far too much this month to be kicking up a fuss.
Well there you have it
This is my list for July. Now what I need to do is start planning it all out – I’ll keep you posted.