Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Fake Tan-trum

The world can let out a sigh of relief; the angry lady has left and has been replaced by a slightly overheated, clumsy, bloated one. Lunch time today was really muggy, and although I was already hot even before the weather decided to turn it up a notch, I couldn't take off my jacket. My stomach has been popping out from under my T shirt all day and winking at people in the office, it normally fits OK but there is no room for error. This mild flashing at my colleagues spurred me to Investigate the American Apparel T shirt on my lunch hour that was recommended by The Stylist..

On the way into town I passed Barnardos, remembering Kenco's promotion had instructed me to rummage around in a charity shop, so I thought I'd pop in and do just that. Straight away I noticed a big green and white patterned bag. One of the things on the July list is hang out with my slouchy bag this summer, but I have been struggling with the definition of slouchy. I couldn't work out the line a bag had to cross from being just a bit saggy to the realms of full on slouchy. It had been bugging me and the picture in the magazine was of a brown leather number that wouldn't fit into my budget.

This bag was definitely slouchy, it's like a sack and at £2.99 it fulfilled 3 points on my list.
A. Slouchy
B. Was from a charity shop
C. Would definitely not impact on my family financially.

I didn't have any cash though, and you had to spend over £5 to use your card. So I went off to American apparel to look at T shirts with the intention of going to the cash point on the way back.

American Apparel is a shop I would normally avoid at all costs. The window display scares me. All-in-one multi coloured Spandex numbers stretch over manikins, that, when I pass them, shout I am neither trendy or thin enough to carry off their clothes. It's like Gap on acid. Luckily I had been in once before with my cousin, Evil Jody's Brother who is the coolest member of our family. (He earns this accolade as he is in a band full time, has an afro and his girlfriend has piercings in unfathomable places). So I'd gotten over the fear with someone that was already familiar with the terrain.

As soon as I walked in a very helpful shop assistant skulked over and asked if I needed "any help, man?" I realised that I paused a bit too long to answer because I was staring at what she was wearing. It was an all-in-one lycra catsuit vest, over which she had draped a see through eclectic blue T shirt dress… thing. I was in awe of her, I wanted to know how you wake up in the morning and think…

"Today, I have the confidence to wear an all in one cat suit, over which I will drape and see through electric blue t-shirt thing - And not only will I wear it to WORK - all that layeth their eyes upon me, will automatically think I am cool".

I mumbled something about a multitasking T shirt and she lead me down stairs. Before I embarked up on this T shirt mission, I though there were 2 types of T-shirts. Big bloke ones, and tighter smaller lady ones. She took me through colours, material types and neck lines. I finally settled for trying on a "tri-band" grey medium unisex T. I always thought Tri Band was something to do with mobile phones. Clearly I had been missing something!

I didn't expect much in the changing room, it was after all, just a bloke style T shirt. But when I put it on - I loved it. There was a difference in the material, and it did hang better - once I rolled up the sleeves I knew that even though this was a unisex T shirt, there was no way on earth I was going to share it with Husband. So I bought it there and then - Happy cotton (and polyester) anniversary me!

On the way back I popped into Debenhams to have a look at the sale. In the Warehouse concession, I spotted something familiar. It was the slouchy bag I'd seen in Barnardos, exactly the same design, but with a different pattern. It was on sale for £8, but I much preferred the pattern on the one in the charity shop. I rushed back, forgetting to pick up some cash on the way. But luckily when I walked back in the shop, I found a leopard print scarf for £2.50 that would look wicked with the Socks and Shoes fashion story.

You would think that today would be a great day ( I confirmed and booked the colonic today and subscribed to Marie Claire too) apart from one very disturbing discovery. I have been trying out my fake tan ready for my (UK- so no natural tan) holiday. I went on Caio.com to read some reviews about it yesterday; I thought I could pick up some tips from people that had already used it.

There were a fair few results where the girls were moaning that they had accidentally faked tanned the soles of their feet. "Knobs!" was my first smug reaction, assuming it was because they had lifted the soles of their feet when spraying the back of their legs. Just to make sure though, I checked the soles of my feet this morning and what did I find??? I AM A KNOB TOO PEOPLE! CHECK THE BLOODY PHOTO! And if you are reading this and laughing Lodger, I would check the soles of your feet first - I think I've accidentally coated the bathroom floor in a fine booby trap film of fake tan. I'm going to be so crap at this I can see it now. I f I don't turn out like Gisele, I'll definitely achieve Pat Butcher.