Wednesday, 5 August 2009

The August List

The August List

Sorry this is a bit late – but I’m onto it!

Attempt another letter to the editor

“Spend summer with Flipper”
This is in reference to a paid volunteering that costs nearly a grand to help with Dolphin research:
I won’t be doing this, but it doesn’t stop me buying a fish, calling it Flipper and spending my summer with it.

Watch the Birdie – by buying a heart shaped shaker bird feeder from Cox and Cox and attracting birds to my garden:
The only problem I see with this, is that my cat is a natural born murderer. Rather than skipping around my kitchen like Cinderella with blue-tits helping me with the washing up, it’s more likely I will be fishing out more carcases of the poor little buggers from behind the sofa.

“Count pegging out clothes as exercise”:
Umm – OK, if you say so Marie Claire, every calorie counts, even in multiples of 1s.

Visit to find some vintage bargains.

Enter all competitions in the mag online.

This issue is crammed full of fashion, even if I had a hefty pay rise I couldn’t afford to follow it all. So I will do my best to follow as many of the below fashion instructions as I can whilst still being in a position to feed myself…. Wait a minute!.. Is this the secret all those stylish models have been hiding from us all? They can’t actually afford to eat?!:
- Snap up a first drop of the season – I’ve already done this, it’s a pretty bow ring from Accessorise. It was also the cheapest thing on the page, but I LOVE it.
- Reinvent my wardrobe staples and use them to work 4 of this season’s key trends. These staples include the Pencil skirt, reworked with “luxe accessories”, The White Shirt, reworked with a pair of bloody silk trousers. There is NO way I could make them look good or not ruin them! The Chinos, by teaming them with a chunky ankle boot, I think I can handle this! And the biker jacket, by wearing it with a dress. Looking at my bank account and the cost of said jackets, this may not happen.
- For a cheeky take on the nautical trend, think anchors, ropes and sailing boats. I picked up a pair of anchor earrings from an antiques shop in Stamford, which give me a nasty rash behind the ears.. But fashion is pain as they say… even if it hints at blood poisoning.
- Get tough with rock-chic in spikes heals and strappy shoe boots. I’ve invested in some killer snakeskin KG strappy shoe boots. However – it took me 1 friend, 2 shop assistants and a near nervous breakdown to decide the middle ground where shoes and boots meet to create the “Shoob”.
- Six Key pieces to wear now and layer up later, this includes a white boyfriend blazer which I have, so can achieve at least one look… and some over the knee boots which I will pretend I haven’t seen as they would make my legs look like an ill formed black pudding.
- Feast my eyes on the hottest runway trends (and copy wherever I can without looking like a goon)
- Copy the tips and looks from the When in Rome fashion story. This includes wearing a fitted blazer over a pretty dress, wearing a simple crystal bangle, bucked biker boots, and a frilly white shirt. I’m going to look like Russel1 Brand.

Join the Marie Claire Diet club
Try Hypnotherapy to change the way I eat:
As I can’t afford £100 sessions, I’m downloading a hypnotherapy CD “I can make you thin” by Paul Mckenna and also watching his TV program of the same name.

Watch Coco Avent Chanel:
If you would like to come and see this with me next week, email me at Even better if you are on orange and want to go on Wednesday ;-)

Find out which Marie Claire Blogger has a new man in her life:
I know this isn’t me.

Wilkinson Sword Advertorial:
Log on to to redeem my £1 voucher off their new muff trimmer. This advertorial also advises me to opt for lotions and potions containing Ginseng if I don’t have time for a powernap. God knows what that brain storming session was like for particular creative execution.. “I’ve got it..! we could tenuously link the time saving properties of trimming your Mary… to err, pills that keep you awake if you don’t have time for a power nap”. “Excellent – have a bonus”.

Watch 4 Weddings:
This started in July and so I’ve been following it already. It’s the BEST. Basically a format similar to Come Dine With Me, which is TV genius as it is… but with 4 brides slagging off each others wedding. Brilliant – I urge you to watch it. Good old Marie C for flagging it up.

Listen to the 5 Album recommendations
- Gossip, Music for Men
- Jack Penate, Everything is New
- MSTRKRT, Fist of God
- Frankmusik, complete me
- Florence and the Machine, Lungs
I’m really excited about the albums this month. They seem much more up my Strasse than the last pile of drivel. I’ve already Spotified (yes people.. still down with the kids!) Florence and the Machine and it’s one of the best albums I’ve heard in the last 5 years. Shame on Marie Claire for not giving her 5 stars. Yes she’s bonkers and yes her lyrics are all based around fantasy and weird and wonderful happenings. But who can’t love a flame haired nutcase, singing about good trips, dancing around in a nighty with daisy chains on her head. She’s wondrous!

Join the Marie Claire book club :
I think I did this at the “How to get published” evening, but as my mind seemed to have been possessed by a brain-dead moron, I wasn’t sure what I was signing up to, so not sure if I did or didn’t. Anyway, I’ve roped Evil Jody into being in my book club. It involves wine and nibbles and the book to read is The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wild. I would never have chosen this book myself as it isn’t about a pubescent wizard, horney vampire, China, a celebrity or by Hunter S Thompson, which seems to have formed the criteria of my reading material over the past couple of years.. But I’m going with it, as so far so good with the Marie C book recommendations. If you would like to join Evil Jody and myself in the last week in August (Date still TBC) and be in our book club – email me at and get reading! (It would be ace if there was more than 2 of us and I have a sneaky suspicion Evil Jody hasn’t even started it yet.)

Copy the “Kiss from a Rose” Make up looks:
I’ll take pictures and you can decide if I look like an English rose or like I’ve been punched in the face.

Supermodel secrets:
- Use a great concealer under foundation
- Use a highlighter along the cheekbones for a pretty youthful glow
- Leave hair slightly damp when blow-drying as this give a more natural look. Yeah.. I bet you don’t have a perm love!
- Get my eyebrow shape right
- Twist up hair after washing and let it dry like that for a natural wave.. ermm again, the perm will reign.
- Use intensive hair masks and get hair trimmed regularly
- Take hair related vitamin supplements

Use an SPF 30 in sunny weather, ad a second layer 15 mins after the first to ensure full coverage

Benefit (yes… “Benefit” is the exact word used here) from calming and feminine rose these fragrances.
- Viktor and Rolf Flowerbomb
- Korres Rose Wood, Blackcurrant, Cyclamen
- Paul Smith Rose Summer edition
- DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom
- Chloe The Rose
- Armani Prive Rose Alexandrie
Marie C doesn’t elaborate exactly how I will “benefit”, so I’ll just have to swing by Selfridges on my lunch hour, sneak a few squirts of each and see for my self.

August tells me to Sprinkle Ortigia Sicillia Geranium bath salts into a hot bath before bed for a great nights sleep. “They Smell divine and detoxify and purify skin”.. Ummm they also cost £17.50, which forgive me if I sound tight here, seems a bit steep for some bath salts in au de old lady flavour.

“Forget Expensive Gym Memberships and burn fat for free”
This includes:
Following the tips on getting started with jogging. This starts with walking for 4 minutes and jogging for one – repeating 5 times. I can SO handle that. It also tells me to vary my route and terrain each time. What does worry me is: “Time your steps to the music you are listening to.” The majority of my Ipod runs at 70bpm or over. You won’t be able to see my legs they will be moving so fast!
This particular piece also advises me to:
- Prepare muscles before running with a muscle gel
- Wear a sweat proof UVA screen on my face
- Wear a transparent “Strengthening” facemask whilst working out… Is this with or without the sunscreen… surely this layering up will encourage zits?
- Wear a tinted moisturiser if you are worried about redness… is this including the above 2 layers? Blimey, I’ll start reflecting headlamps with all that grease!
- After running massage with a facial oil. I use Vitamin E oil on my face already, so will use that.
- Take a relaxing bath with muscle soak, before giving your body a massage. They then go on to suggest doing this with Clarins Energising Emulsion, which costs £20. I think August Marie Claire is choosing to completely disregard all this recession business, maybe I can find a more cost effective alternative.
- Exfoliate in the shower to prevent sweat giving my body spots. This is next to the paragraph that tells you to have a bath. So I have to have a bath.. Then have a shower. So not detrimental to the environment at all then?! I’m sure Flipper would have something to say about that.
12 ways to the perfect body
- “Alternate running, Skipping and galloping through a park.” Oh dear god, I’m going to get happy slapped.
- Breath my way to a flatter stomach by exhaling audibly when I curl up in a sit up.
- Put 30 minutes of motivational exercise music on my Ipod, with my favourite song at the end so I don’t stop until I get to it. Makes sense!
- Pop an A list Energy pill “Pure Xp Glisodin for £24.99. Apparently this prevents lactic acid build up.
- Get in the Zone.. by wearing a heart rate monitor.
- Shock my system. My heart sank when I read this, because it mentioned more interval training, but it actually says “Swap your cardio every 6 months to keep your mind and body interested”
- Stretch
- Increase incidental activity by giving the “lift the shift” and taking the stairs two at a time, same goes for escalators.
- Ditch the car and ride my bike to work
- Set challenges by trying to catch up with people 100 meters ahead or run with someone better than you.
- Fuel up by eating a bowl of light cereal a while before exercise
- Don’t clock watch… hmm how can I time my 4 minutes walking and 1 minute jog then?!
- Have a go on a powerplate:
o I did this, all my flab jiggled about, I got off.

Follow my starts this month
“Feel free to bow out if you can’t hack the emotional pace”. Blimey – looks like a hard month ahead then!

Wish me luck! Xxx