Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Mackerel and Meningitis

The latter half of the holiday, where I publically claimed I was going to be back on the 5 meals a day, no wheat and no dairy wagon, lasted a whole half a day.

I bought a massive smoked mackerel from the harbour after our meal, and then proceeded to cart it around in my big slouchy bag (so it DOES have it’s uses) for the rest of the day.

Using this as my lean protein, I picked at a bit of it throughout the day with my none dairy, none wheaty five meals. This, lovely people, was the straw that broke Husbands back.

I was, as he correctly pointed out, spending the one and only holiday we had booked this year, obsessing over food, what I could and couldn’t eat and when. It wasn’t the recipe for romance, it certainly didn’t mean he found me more attractive and if we were to continue on this holiday without killing each other.. then the 5 meals a day thing needed to stop.

He was right of course. This wasn’t just my holiday, but this is just my project. He was woken by my breakfast alarm at 7am every morning (not that I actually managed apart from once to drag my self out of bed), He was then forced to eat his largest meal of the day at lunch – which meant we couldn’t go out in the evening for dinner, because I was insisting we had our dinner at 7pm on the dot. To top it all off, I smelled of a gag reflex inducing combination of smoked fish and impulse, was wearing bright pink lipstick that he thought was vile and wasn’t getting into the beach holiday spirit of fish and chips and ice cream with him. Rather staring longingly at other people’s plates in the pub like little orphan Annie.

So, satisfied that I had made an effort at least on holiday, I relented for the rest of our time there and actually enjoyed myself;

It wasn’t a complete failure though;

Hair drying naturally – check
2 litres of water a day – check
Spirulina – check
Nail and hand cream - check
No make up apart from mascara, blotting papers and pink hooker lipstick – check
Romantic day out on the beach (in the rain) drowned in impulse and wearing an outfit dictated by impulse – check
Nautical outfits - check, check check
Ultimate beach kit – check
Leave conditioner in for a whole day – Check (I think that Marie Claire meant on the beach in the sun, rather than in the Ipswich Cineworld watching Harry Potter – but still BLOODY CHECK)
Interval training – we cycled everywhere and I put in a few sprints, plus I did my tinned tomato weights twice – so check.

For some reason though – I’m putting the biggest emphasis on the food over everything else. I don’t know why I see it as more important than the fashion, the music, the books, the websites, the beauty etc.
Maybe it’s because the minute I’m told – you can’t eat this or you can’t eat now… it’s all I can bloody think about, I become possessed?!

I don’t want to become a food bore, knowing the calorie content of a raisin and only eating grapefuit and ham smoothies, having bad breath and producing green turds (Working in an office environment for 4 years has opened my eyes to the strangest of diets people put themselves on). I LOVE my food, but in a healthy way and I don’t spend my days rolling around in a KFC mega bucket. I would have thought the answer would be to move more and eat a bit less? Being told to eat when I’m not hungry is a really strange concept to me. On top of that, being told to eat meat or cheese with these extra meals is actually increasing my calorie intake, where I normally would have 3 medium sized meals a day and a treat if I fancied.

I tried again yesterday as I was back at work, so through the structure in the day would help me stick to the regime.

I had some salmon for breakfast, a stick of celery and humus at 10, then the lovely Blondie treated me to Yo Sushi at lunch (so more salmon, miso and aubergines) so far so goo eh? That was until I got back to work and my day and consequently diet took a very strange twist.

At the top of both my arms, a rash had developed completely out of nowhere. I’d had a few colleagues asking if I was OK in the morning because I didn’t look great, but otherwise was just feeling a little under the weather.

My boss rolled her glass over the rash to see if it would blanch and it didn’t… so from 2:30 onwards my day looked like this:

2:30 – 4:00 – NHS walk in centre refer me to A&E
4 – 4:15 – Panic that it’s 4pm and run to Sainsbury’s to grab some crisps and some carrots and humus because obviously THAT is more important than suspected Meningitis.
4:15 – 4:45 – eat crisps on the way to A&E with a note to self that even in the face of death I am true to my Marie Claire project – big pat on the back for me for being dedicated.
5:00 – Get put in an isolation room and Husband arrives.
5:30 – Nurse takes blood and then puts a tube thing in my arm which sends my head spinning and all rational thought goes out of the window.
5:31 – Husband runs off to find me some source of sugar before I puke everywhere
5:45 – I inhale 2 milky bars.
6:30 – Husband is asleep, I’m bored, go on facebook and find out the people we spent the weekend with have both been diagnosed with Swine Flu.
6:31 – Penny drops.
8:00 – Blood comes back as meningitis free and the nurse removes tube from arm.
8:01 – Spin out like the wimp I am and end up with my head between my legs wretching.
9:00 – Eat half a Pizza that Husband cooks as a treat and down a large glass of wine, plus carrots and humus from before to get over the trauma and try and fend off the Swine.

Now tell me WHERE in Marie Claire, does it tell you how to find a lien bit of protein in an A&E vending machine? Something tells me, the cheese flavouring in a bag of Wotsits doesn’t count. No wheat, or dairy, and fitting 5 meals a day into a day like that doesn’t work!

This morning I woke up with a runny nose and bit of a temperature, and my boss kindly let me work from home. I’m not sure it’s the Swine, as I’ve stayed pretty constant all day, but I’ve certainly not felt like eating 5 meals and nearly gipped when I picked at the salmon at breakfast.

So I think it needs putting clearly in the small print Marie Claire – a caveat on your strange dietary suggestions.

If ill or on holiday or quite normal, 5 meals a day with no wheat or dairy may not be practical, or possible. Side effects may be smelling of fish, irritated husbands, hunger at ten past seven, weight gain, obsession about anything wheat or dairy based and excessive guilt.