Sunday, 12 July 2009


This week I’m on holiday in Southwold. Husband and I come here every year on our anniversary for a chilled out romantic week. The romance however, is being dictated to us this week by Marie Claire.

After the colonic on Wednesday, the magazine instructs you eat green soup and veggie stir frys for three days. Thursday I managed the green soup at dinner and a super foods salad from Eat in the evening before I went to the hair dressers. But when I got in, Lodger had cooked her amazing lentil bolognaise - and as the superfood salad seemed to be designed for people that survive only on dust and air, I had a sneaky little bit with a glass of wine about 8pm. The world, did not come caving in at this diet sin.

Yesterday I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast, celery and humous for meal number 2, green soup for lunch and being prepared, had cooked a noodle and aubergine salad for on the road.

Driving down the M6 started to become frantic when I realised it was 6:30 so needed to get to a service station to eat my last meal of the day. Somehow, I didn’t think the importance of my cause would wash with the police if I pulled up in the slip road to have a little picnic. I pulled in at the Toll road services at 6:45, after inhaling the noodles I thought I would treat myself to a designer coffee (and rumour has is a biscuit). But I found the Skinny vanilla latte really sweet, I wondered if this Spirulina stuff may actually be working as I had to chuck it away after only a couple of sips.

We arrived here at one today (Saturday). I forgot about my green soup diet on the way and accidentally at and egg sarnie from Tesco, some crisps and some cardamom ice cream… oops! So I’m determined to make up for it tonight having only green soup and organic rye bread (following the insane advice of the Kinesiologist – Organic Wheat = good!) This has gone down like a bag of sick with Husband, who wanted to treat me too a local cheese board, grapes, red wine and pickled quails eggs (I know! Get us!) in the garden tonight. He’s currently wafting the plate at me as I type. But to his disappointment, I’m having a bowl of green slop, before 7 as Marie Claire orders.

On our walk around the town this afternoon, I thought I would take my American Apparel T-shirt, Straw hat and pink lippy for it’s maiden voyage. I was glad of the T shirt as it covered my wobbly belly and looked pretty nice with my jeans. The lipstick required a hell of a lot of blotting before I left the house and the hat kept trying to blow off in the wind. Once in the sanctuary of the pub, I cracked open some Spirulina and chased it down with a gin and tonic before going to the loo. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I caught my reflection in the toilet mirror! As Husband so eloquently put it a few weeks ago “You just have these big pink lips on your head” and as my foundation has been banned for the week by Marie Claire, allowing me only blotting paper, eyeliner, mascara and this bloody lipstick, my zits are having a big red party on my chin.

I just don’t think I have the flawlessness to carry off this colour; it just makes me look a bit mucky. Like the sort of girl that doesn’t change her knickers everyday or chain smokes fags in bed in a crusty leopard print nighty. I’ve got to look like said tramp all week, on all the holiday snaps.
To add insult to injury, I’m really bloated after the colonic. I think my insides are protesting to being so rudely tampered with. I’m determined not to let it spoil the holiday though, because so far, the diet and prospect of holiday interval training is doing that on its own already.

Oh.. and I haven’t even lost A POUND